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| Finding headspace |
What did I learn? That honesty really is the best policy – and here is why:
Honesty with others and honesty with yourself – two essentials in order to live a happy and successful life. Despite not feeling ‘quite right’ it’s easy to kid yourself and everyone around you that everything is fine – I am in a happy relationship, my friends are all great, I love my job, I have a healthy balance – so why do I feel so rubbish?
I’ll put this into context:
Last year I hit an all-time low – I was constantly upset, I found no pleasure in doing anything, I isolated myself from my friends and I couldn’t focus on my job. I spent every day fixated on how I looked, what I ate and doing anything I could to get rid of calories consumed. I arranged my life around gym classes and I looked in every mirror or window I walked past to see how ‘fat’ I looked. I spent over a year like this, progressively getting worse and it took for me to be honest to myself that there was a problem to make the first step to recovery.
So, I admit I have a problem but what next?
The next step is the hardest – telling others.
When you book that first appointment with your GP, your mind will become chaotic - filled with thoughts like;
Will they think I’m lying because I don’t look sick?
Will people think I’ve failed at life?
Will people blame my upbringing?
Will people think I’m weak?
I look fine on Instagram and Facebook
The answer to these questions? Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. But who cares? For me, I would rather people know why sometimes I am sometimes the life and soul of party yet sometimes I refuse to leave my bedroom. Or, why I’m nearly 27 and I still live at home. Or, why I cancel plans last minute. It’s because I have a mental illness that I’m working hard to recover from, not because I don’t enjoy my friends company or that I am lazy. I may look like I’m having the time of my life on Instagram and Facebook but that doesn’t mean there isn’t an inner struggle. This is true for a lot of people – we are all human - we aren’t perfect, and nor will we ever be.
Why did I think these things in the first place? Because unfortunately there is still a prevalent stigma around mental illness.
The truth is…
The people who matter, care and these people want to help. And help is available.
Yes, the mental health service may be inundated and NHS treatment may be limited but there are already things in place that help - the Government do have plans to improve services (the Mental Health Taskforce will hopefully kick start this).
The point is, until you are honest to yourself that you need help, you won’t get it.
Be open with your friends, your family and those closest to you. I won’t admit this is easy by any means – in fact; I was drunk when I opened up to my best friend and beyond desperate need of help and support when I told my Mum.
I felt humiliated to state the true; but they both supported me and were glad I had opened up rather than struggle anymore. My Mum and Dad helped fund private therapy and I was lucky to have a very helpful and caring GP who saw me every 2 weeks for a medication assessment and general catch up.
It’s crazy to think that I couldn’t speak to those closest to me – the stigma around mental illness sacrificed my honest and open nature and I let it defeat me for over 12 months? That’s why I want to do something about it and help others however I can to not be afraid to speak up.
There are a lot of people around you who are suffering – when I wrote my first blog post about why I run – I was overwhelmed with the Facebook messages I got from people saying they could relate to it and well done for being so honest.
What about my job?
Disclosing your diagnoses to your employer is a subject of contentious debate. I can only recommend based on my decision to give the truth as to why I had been signed off. Since that day, I am now enjoying work more than ever before and probably working to the best of my ability. I feel supported by my team and if I hit a bad day or week then I know I have someone to speak to.
After having some time off to get help and moving back home with my parents, I returned to work.
And yes, I did feel like I had ‘crazy’ written across my forehead when I walked through reception but within minutes I felt myself, I felt that I wasn’t hiding anything and that I could be myself. I had never felt this before.
I’m not sure what was scarier, speaking to my Mum or speaking to my boss. Either way, I’m very happy I did both.
So if you think you are suffering from depression, anxiety, an eating disorder or any other mental health worries then be honest. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Not only will you have made the bravest decision you could make but you will have made the first step on your journey to recovery. I am so glad I opened up because it scares me to this day what state I would have ended up in if I hadn’t.
One day, the stigma will be gone. For good.
Annabel x
Some useful websites:
Mind – Mind have a great service called Elefriends – you can anomalously speak to other sufferers of mental health illness for support and reassurance.
Rethink – lots of information about various types of mental health illnesses
Disclaimer:
I am writing and sharing my journey as a form of expression, self-help and help to others. This is a personal blog and the opinions expressed here solely represent my own. While I hope you find reading this interesting, please note that you are reading at your own free will. Feel free to comment in all posts, however, I reserve the right to delete any comments that are seen as rude or abusive.
